Went back to tk today and it marks the happiest day in eons. Its like going back home, everyone is so warm from teaching staff to non teaching staff, from those who taught you to those that didn't.

Was touched that the av technician actually remembers my name even though we never really knew each other, that my physics teacher actually asked why i didn't contact her for ages, that my form teacher asked why i disappeared for so long. 6 months plus to be exact.

i missed the school dearly, missed the warmth. Haha thanks shoe for accompanying me back. Oh my thinking of what happened to us is just so hilarious and how she almost got us killed! Haha. Went for lunch and studied at sing post mac's. This is so reminiscent of o level time where we studied together almost everyday back at tk. :)

realised eu and i were both emoing badly yesterday. Telepathy? Haha. Take care woman.

To all music students out there.

sibelius has prob become your best friend out there. You are prob spending most of your life staring at your computer screen or piano desperate for inspiration. Making something out of nothing is what you have probably done.

you are probably stressed out by the upcoming a level prac, your h3 submission, and the compo recordings and submission. You've probably done your harmony exercises till you feel like strangling schumann and hayden.

yet much of the population are unaware of the amount of time you've to put into this plus juggling all your studies.

just hang on for the remaining 1 mth. Sigh.

Everytime i'm looking forward to something, the plan gets rearranged. Its okay, i've resigned to fate.

"discovering yourself is the toughest thing to do on earth" dr hoag.

these are the times i just want to cut myself out from the outside world and just isolate myself. If i'm unreachable or ignore any messages just try and understand.

emo. Sighs.

I can't handle this anymore.

Studying in full force. Its become a full time thing. Morning 9 till night 12 plus. Of course with necessary breaks in between.

but what is this tell me?!?! Today went to study with ky and renee. Lamented about how life would have been better if we chose the other route. But the grass is always greener on the other side, but even so, its so prominent that the grass here has withered. But 2 more months and we can move on to a new patch of grass.

airport with eve tomorrow after sch. I wanna flyy away! Up up up.

"people often say life is full of choices, but they never mention fear"

how true, there used to be a teacher in sec sch who always told me, "melissa, you ALWAYS have a choice." but fails to mention the fear in making those choices and the consequence in making the wrong choices.

overcoming my fear of integration. Sounds silly but everytime someone asks me anything to do with integration i would just shake it off fearing to face it. But now i think its not that bad after all. Ahh studying life is so mundane.

meeting the girls to study tmr @national lib after my morning swim. :)

I'm gonna smile myself to sleep tonight. Practical results in the email. I should say my recital journey in tj had been an arduous one. I felt so insignificant after the 1st recital i took. And from that time till now, i've improved 15 marks! And from jct till now its 5 marks. Though my results are still insignificant compared to the pple at the higher rung, there's just a sense of Self satisfaction.

of course there's way much room for improvement. 2nd oct a levels recital. Way to go. :)

My officially self declared study break began today! Spent the whole morning filing everything.

did some physics and maths before john came to let me copy the lecture stuff. Half the class ponned school and a certain teacher refused to give notes to those that didn't attend lesson. I find that a tad childish, its not as though we can get the notes from the other classmates. Zzz. Wonder what its like in a class of 10. Har!

off to study. :) toodles.

I feel like i should have just stayed home today. And for the rest of the week. But if not for music and maths tomorrow and friday i wouldn't bother to go. The other lessons are rather redundant.

i'm getting The pre prelim jitters. But i badly need to finish my composition. And these days i've chronic fatigue and terrible migranes. Grr.

went to parkway to celebrate teachers day with ms tng @ swensons. Ky and i had a little adventure after celebrations. Rather eventful i should say.

Why am i so tired?! WHY? so pissed that i can't study role of government without falling asleep.

grr. the thought that the last day of school is drawing is near, is both upsetting yet joyous. Its filled with fear that soon we're taking another major exam. And that soon we're going to have to part with the ones we've grown to become close with.

i need more energy.

Has your dreams left you traumatised. The one i had couple of hours ago did. And i realised there are still many things in life that i'm not ready to face. This dream has left me afraid to fall asleep. Argh scary.

Anyway i think there's something wrong with me. The left side of my back hurts damn bad, i get migranes from time to time, and worst i'm losing my appetite. Argh.

anyway i've a hunch that all the tutors have given up on us. Today my gp tutor, maths tutor and the chem tutor were all absent! Fancy them resting at home on the last week of school. And during a certain lesson, renee and i were "treated" to a wonderful show by a certain teacher to her WONDERFUL body. Yucks. Badly want to erase that scene from my mind.

Did the maths specimen paper today, felt so helpless. Chapters that i had been confident in for jct, i have forgotten them all and have to start from zero again. Where do i find the time?

recital at 5pm, better not get stage fright. My finger tips are hurting. Skin peeling. Maybe i should just forget about applying to ucas(uk admissions) and just give that far fetched dream up and just treat this prelim as just a rehearsal.

i should just stop envisioning myself flying anywhere next year. Cause i know now, its not going to be possible.

After school, i made my way to the backgate to go to my violin teacher's house. Upon reaching the audi i met my gp teacher. And she called me "michelle" haha i corrected her and we started having a chat about music. I realised she can be really nice at times. And after speaking to her i suddenly felt so shallow, she knows so much and could strike a thought provoking conversation that i never imagined i could have with her. But this is not to say a can tolerate her biasness in class. At least better than a certain toad who judges her students by their grades and act like strangers when meeting them outside class.

did my satie mind map at my teacher's place which faces the sea with a full length window. Studying in such an env is totally conducive because you feel a sudden sense of serenity and peace. Had dinner with her and my pianist. Then had rehearsal for the upcoming recital on monday. The ambience of playing "by the sea" with all the lights from the ships is so romantic, and could really get into the mood of the pieces. Love it.

but now i feel like crap, my stomach feels bloated with air. No idea why. Grr. Shall go sleep. Tata.

Though i'm dying to sleep i just feel like pouring my feelings into this "pensieve" of mine.

these days, its as though there is a mountain sitting on my back. The pressure is immensely great and the stress level has reached my head.

3 more weeks left. Its as though life is flying by me. Before i can take a proper look and perceive what is happening around me, its over.

one consolation is that despite all these, i've got a group of friends who can cheer me up everyday. As eve has mentioned on her blog, i also want to thank the girls in clique 5(a name bestowed to us by the boys) for letting life be livable in tj. There's not much time left for us as class mates, i would treasure all the memories and laughter we shared esp this year, and i would savour every moment that we are left with. Of course lets study hard together and achieve our dreams. :) <3

sitting by the window, staring out into space, staring and imagining that thats where i am.

I should be studying now. but here in the ms making use of the internet. Planes fly overhead TJ all the time. It's all gonna be over soon I keep telling myself, but its all gonna be over too soon.

I am not prepared, not at all.

Finally a post at an earthly hour for earthings.

cut the crap, i am STRESSED.

1.Aim to finish compo by TODAY.
2.Aim to finish Compo techiniques by THIS WEEK.
3.Aim to finish Tuition work by TOMORROW.
4.Aim to finish Differentiation by WEDNESDAY.
5.Aim to start studying ECONS and MUSIC. (shit)
6.Aim to study kinematics by THURSDAY.

and judging by all these i will never finish studying within one month with such slow productivity rate.

ARGH. i am doomed.

Todays weather was crappy! Was dying of a heat stroke this afternoon. Went home after doing gp with renee. And attempted to do the maths revision work sheet.

horrors to all horrors i could not do qn many questions! And i got reminded of integration and volume! I'm so so so dead. And what made things worst was the heat! I gave up and went to sleep. Must be global warming. Horrific, okay i think i'm too spoilt but i really hate the heat.

okay enough about that. Grr i need to get the facts in!

Just because i don't say a thing,
doesn't mean it means nothing.
but rather it means so much i just can't let go.

slacked the day away. Just because i wasn't in the mood to do anything. Lived life like a bum. Guess its time to gear up again tomorrow. Tuition plus lib date.

2 more weeks of school. 1 month to prelim. Less than 3 months to a levels.

Many things are beyond our control. But i guess we can control the way we think and feel. A teacher once told me, no matter what you do, you always have a choice. You can choose to think on the positive side vice versa. Just that its just so difficult to come to terms with certain things.

i think i should stop living life as though everything is okay and perfect. Guess i'm opening up slowly, told a friend about what had happened, thanks for your listening ear.

sometimes its easier to cry than to smile, but whatever it is its a brand new start everyday. So look on the bright side of life. :)

Labels: friends, life

Life is cruel isn't it? Things almost never go the way you want it to. Received a piece of bad news today, hais. But i guess there's nothing i can do about it.

life goes on, but this's it. What ever i had been looking forward to is gone. I've nothing left. At least for now.

cry not will i,
for strength of the soul
would be my living will.

Part of my soul hasn't returned, its got left behind to a place my heart constantly pines for. The motivation that keeps me going.

i love the dead silence of the night, listened to emo songs on the lappie and browsed through past photos. I nearly broke down but i don't intend to ever. I remember those carefree days, though short but i won't ever forgot them in a life time.

toodles. To _____ , i miss you.

I'm so exhausted, but these days who isn't. The pace of life is bullet train speed, and there's no stopping and no turning back to look. Look at the path you paved, to look at the picture you painted.

Left school after lunch missing double gp and double MEP. Woke up to a severe headache this morning, no idea why. And now my left eye hurts, and irritating me whenever i blink. Anyway went home and slept for 3 hours got a shock when i woke up cause i didn't intend to sleep the afternoon away.

Prelim time table is out. This reminds me of 2 years ago, where I would be sitting outside the staff room everyday at the metal tables studying with shu but that would be after prelims i guess. At least then, when you had any problems there would be constantly someone to turn to. Not now, not anymore. Ah reminise, but time is cruel and time has passed and those are just part of my memories and nothing more.

Some how its scary that the weeks pass like hours and theres no time to think, no time to react. I wish I could go somewhere out there, where i can lie on the plains of grass land and gaze at the stars at night, and marvel at the beauty of life.

This weekend has been so terribly unproductive because i can sense the flu bug in me. Took 2 naps today. What a pig. Studied for maths test and did compo. Some how, maths has become my favourite subject minus whatever that has to do with integration. Haha.

can't wait for motif next sunday, the inaugural tj mep concert! So excited partially because i'm gonna play a song that is really sweet. Morart piano quartet. Esplanade recital studio! Maybe mozart would help develop my mathematical mind. Haha. Love my recital piece too, beethoven's spring sonata!

next week is a short school week and i've set my mind to mug really hard then and do up my compo portfolio! Life's tough but nobody said that it is gonna be easy. Stressed. Tired. But not beaten. :)

Song playing:cry on my shoulders
mood: complicated

went for tuition early in the morning. Was in a sleepy mood and so pissed that i can't do all the yr 1 questions. Went for lunch with ky and kar. And guess after this conversation we realised there are so my sides to pple that we never saw, that there is a beautiful and ugly side to everyone.

actually i think that being an only child isn't as bad as what pple think. Sometimes i enjoy the joy of having the house to myself when i reach home. I enjoy the feeling of freedom and privacy. Of course sometimes there's nobody to talk to and your friends are all so caught up with their lives thats when you hope that you would have a companion. But i guess we enter this world alone and leave alone as well, pple that we meet help us get through this life but they come and go and with the fast pace of life, they leave as quickly as they came. And parting is inevitable.

nobody can stay by your side for your life time. Not a friend, not a lover, not your parents, not your siblings. Oh wells. Shall stop here. Wow its already sunday. My favourite day is over. :(

Labels: life

I hate fridays. Because i have to see my econs teacher for 3 hours. And i won't have lunch. And man, its friday. Take a break man.
so freaking stressed. My compo portfolio is still very thin and need so much refinement. Maths test on monday. Mep concert next sun. Prac exam on the 20th.
hais. :(
tuition early in the morning tomorrow. Headache is back. And i sent tesq a very obscene message not on purpose k.
wanted to type hey but ended up typing sex. Gosh.

Has been the stress been as great as this. A couple of friends are crying halfway while studying. And i'm still being calm though unsure about how i'm going to get through this exams. Just slightly over a month to cram the syllabus into my brains.

i don't know how. But i guess i'm numb to it, and no more tears would fall. Because i swore so. That nothing is ever gonna make me cry. Nothing.

todays lunch was full of laughter. From a depressing topic about gp we managed to digress to other topics and laughed till i couldn't breathe. Haha. Thanks girls for all the joy and laughter. We.ld get through this together. :)

I swore that today would be the last time i would ever cry. Why? For reasons so complicated. I was shocked at my cheerfulness at school despite something unpleasant happening in the morning.

and i realise nothing can hurt me anymore and i think i like it this way.

did some maths in the lib today with tx and bala. What an unproductive day. Mug mug mug! Complex no drive me mad.

a certain survey question: do you like going to school?
me to moe: what do you think?